Here is the final self-portrait painting, "39." Inspired by Adele's method of titling her records, I find this title profoundly fitting. The number encapsulates my age, marking the years I’ve journeyed on this planet and the many orbits I’ve completed around the Sun.

Initially, this painting was a simple exercise to stretch my artistic, painting, and design skills. However, as it evolved (see the previous posts below), it transformed into a profound period of self-reflection and meditation. I found myself staring into the face of someone I had long avoided—someone I harbored deep feelings of self-loathing, depression, and a sense of failure towards. Each hour spent on this painting demanded that I make eye contact with this person, acknowledge every physical flaw, and ultimately embrace what I saw. While I cannot claim to be entirely healed, this experience was a crucial step in my journey of self-acceptance.

As I delved deeper into the process, even finding a love for it despite the inevitable frustrations, I began to see a glimmer of potential in my art-making abilities. This creative endeavor provided a much-needed sense of zen, grounding me in the present moment and preventing my mind from drifting into harmful and dangerous territory.

In the end, I am genuinely pleased with how this piece turned out. While it may not captivate every viewer, the true beauty of this painting lies in the serenity I discovered and the rekindling of my passion for art. Over 30,000 brushstrokes, 20 hours of dedicated time, and countless penance in fixing my mistakes, this work symbolizes a significant milestone in my life—a step towards embracing my true self and rekindling a love for creating that I had long thought lost.

Yesterday, I attempted to work on this painting, but I found myself getting really frustrated. I noticed some problematic areas, but trying to fix them only made the portrait look like someone else entirely. How could this happen? It wasn’t capturing me at all. I remember an artist named Marko Djurdevic saying that on those type of days, the best thing to do is to go do something else that gets your mind off your work, so, I put down the Apple Pencil, turned off the iPad, and decided to walk away. Instead, I indulged in one of my favorite activities: watching YouTube videos and catching up on the many reels that my friends send me on the grid app, BUT not before hitting the gym because I need to get in shape. I'm putting in work on two fronts these days: the artist's mind and the artist's body.

Today, I returned to the painting with fresh eyes, and things are improving. There are still some problematic areas, but after about an hour of work, I feel like I’m back on track. Amazing that a little break can make such a difference!

After some pausing, I couldn’t help but come back to work on my self-portrait. I’m sort of stuck on it because I like how it’s shaping up, but I’m frustrated with the left side of the face (the side opposite of the viewer) because it doesn’t seem quite right after looking at it this morning. Also, the beard just doesn’t sit right with me. It’s too…stringy? Gotta fix that. Also, I’m relearning the importance of painting on a separate layer from the background. I have no clue what the background will look like yet, but I’m sure an idea will strike me soon.

I recently saw some friends of mine. They’re professional illustrators, living the dream. A dream I once had when I was young. Then…I don’t know…I kind of lost my way. I felt like I didn’t have the talent, that I didn’t belong…that I was a failure. Then I eventually gave up. But something recently sparked in me. I had a long and encouraging talk with my artist friends, and we made a bet that I would start making art and setting up at shows. If I don’t, then I owe them a lot of money. They were kidding (I think), but either way, I’m holding myself accountable to it.

I spent the weekend grabbing social handles and getting a web domain (a couple, actually!) and having those in my pocket. Then I started trying to stretch my art muscles by digitally painting a self-portrait. Maybe a bit too ambitious, but go big or go home, I say! I’m going to work on this sucker until things click.

This journal is for me to track my journey from now until whenever. It’s more personal than those social media networks and feels more focused. My millennial ass prefers this format, anyway, as opposed to something like Instagram or Twitter (sorry…“X”).

As for the point of this post, here’s what I’ve worked on today. I’m digging the direction of it. Still lots to do, but I ain’t rushing.