Everdraft

Here is the final self-portrait painting, "39." Inspired by Adele's method of titling her records, I find this title profoundly fitting. The number encapsulates my age, marking the years I’ve journeyed on this planet and the many orbits I’ve completed around the Sun.

Initially, this painting was a simple exercise to stretch my artistic, painting, and design skills. However, as it evolved (see the previous posts below), it transformed into a profound period of self-reflection and meditation. I found myself staring into the face of someone I had long avoided—someone I harbored deep feelings of self-loathing, depression, and a sense of failure towards. Each hour spent on this painting demanded that I make eye contact with this person, acknowledge every physical flaw, and ultimately embrace what I saw. While I cannot claim to be entirely healed, this experience was a crucial step in my journey of self-acceptance.

As I delved deeper into the process, even finding a love for it despite the inevitable frustrations, I began to see a glimmer of potential in my art-making abilities. This creative endeavor provided a much-needed sense of zen, grounding me in the present moment and preventing my mind from drifting into harmful and dangerous territory.

In the end, I am genuinely pleased with how this piece turned out. While it may not captivate every viewer, the true beauty of this painting lies in the serenity I discovered and the rekindling of my passion for art. Over 30,000 brushstrokes, 20 hours of dedicated time, and countless penance in fixing my mistakes, this work symbolizes a significant milestone in my life—a step towards embracing my true self and rekindling a love for creating that I had long thought lost.

I got up this morning and worked some more on my self-portrait. It’s starting to come together, but there’s still loads more to do, and some corrections to make. I’m trying to approach this like a traditional painting where I’m painting on one layer…though sometimes if I’m not feeling confident, I’ll paint on a new layer and then merge them if I’m satisfied that I can move ahead without making too much of a headache for myself.

I’m really enjoying the process and trying to be mindful of a teacher I had, Zin Lim (go youtube him…he’s an art beast!), where he pushed us students to trust in the process and to not rush ahead. It’s a constant analysis, or at least for me it is.