Everdraft

Here is the final self-portrait painting, "39." Inspired by Adele's method of titling her records, I find this title profoundly fitting. The number encapsulates my age, marking the years I’ve journeyed on this planet and the many orbits I’ve completed around the Sun.

Initially, this painting was a simple exercise to stretch my artistic, painting, and design skills. However, as it evolved (see the previous posts below), it transformed into a profound period of self-reflection and meditation. I found myself staring into the face of someone I had long avoided—someone I harbored deep feelings of self-loathing, depression, and a sense of failure towards. Each hour spent on this painting demanded that I make eye contact with this person, acknowledge every physical flaw, and ultimately embrace what I saw. While I cannot claim to be entirely healed, this experience was a crucial step in my journey of self-acceptance.

As I delved deeper into the process, even finding a love for it despite the inevitable frustrations, I began to see a glimmer of potential in my art-making abilities. This creative endeavor provided a much-needed sense of zen, grounding me in the present moment and preventing my mind from drifting into harmful and dangerous territory.

In the end, I am genuinely pleased with how this piece turned out. While it may not captivate every viewer, the true beauty of this painting lies in the serenity I discovered and the rekindling of my passion for art. Over 30,000 brushstrokes, 20 hours of dedicated time, and countless penance in fixing my mistakes, this work symbolizes a significant milestone in my life—a step towards embracing my true self and rekindling a love for creating that I had long thought lost.

Yesterday, I attempted to work on this painting, but I found myself getting really frustrated. I noticed some problematic areas, but trying to fix them only made the portrait look like someone else entirely. How could this happen? It wasn’t capturing me at all. I remember an artist named Marko Djurdevic saying that on those type of days, the best thing to do is to go do something else that gets your mind off your work, so, I put down the Apple Pencil, turned off the iPad, and decided to walk away. Instead, I indulged in one of my favorite activities: watching YouTube videos and catching up on the many reels that my friends send me on the grid app, BUT not before hitting the gym because I need to get in shape. I'm putting in work on two fronts these days: the artist's mind and the artist's body.

Today, I returned to the painting with fresh eyes, and things are improving. There are still some problematic areas, but after about an hour of work, I feel like I’m back on track. Amazing that a little break can make such a difference!